While I am sure this is hard to believe, I grew up in the 1990s. It’s fair to say that, in hindsight, I really struggled with accepting that I was gay when I was young(er). Actually, I’m not sure that accepting is really the right word….
….When I was at primary school, being gay wasn’t really a thing (well, younger Nick didn’t know it was a thing). I didn’t know anyone who was gay. I had no gay relatives. It wasn’t spoken about. You weren’t taught about gay issues in School, and I didn’t see positive representation on TV or in my stories.
I remember “living and growing” at primary school and everything being fairly simple and straightforward (pun absolutely intended). Boy meets girl. Boy kisses girl. Babies happen. Simple. So, when I was younger, I didn’t really appreciate that I was struggling with something - nobody had told me it was a possibility. I assumed that everyone must feel the same way, silently questioning who they found attractive, and you just had to push through it. One day you’d find a girl, decide you liked her, and all would be right in the world.
Just after I started secondary school the show Queer as Folk came out (another pun). I remember seeing it advertised and seeing the daytime-tv-handwringing about its controversy. I built up the courage to sneakily watch it. Sufficed to say it opened my eyes in several different ways. Crucially, it showed me that being a boy and liking another boy… was a thing. And that those feelings might not magically vanish.
This both helped and petrified me. What if people started to catch on? What if they could sense I was different.
I went on the offensive and ramped up the diversion tactics for a few years. Posters of Buffy and Lara Croft hanging on the wall. Check. Being careful with how my voice sounded. Always. Casually mentioning girls when chatting about my day over dinner. Done. Get into sports. Okay, that one is a lie, everyone has a red line somewhere.
University was the real turning point for me. I started my degree here in 2003, the same year Section 28 was fully repealed in the UK. I quickly threw myself into student life, societies, the Students’ Union, the lot. Meeting a diverse range of people, and hearing more openly what being gay actually was made me fully realise this wasn’t just a phase, and not something everyone else was battling through.
Since coming out at 18, I still deal with the echoes of being young and in the closet (even if I didn’t realise I was in one for a lot of that time). I am fortunate that my family and friends accepted my coming out so brilliantly, but this is not a universal experience, even today. Accepting your own sexuality is something that evolves over your life. It isn’t a magical switch that is flipped when you come out. I come out constantly, every time I meet someone new. I still sometimes temper myself depending on company, a clear holdover from those teenage diversion tactics. That’s a clear throwback to those diversion tactics from being young. I doubt that will ever fully go away. But working somewhere accepting, with kind and open colleagues, makes a huge difference. It is a contrast to being a young lawyer in the corporate world, even if that was only a decade ago.
History month, for me, is a time to reflect on how far both I and society have come. It stems from commemorating the abolition of Section 28, the law that prohibited local authorities promoting homosexuality or teaching about it. Scotland repealed it in 2000, with the rest of the UK following in 2003. Things have changed dramatically since then. LGBTQ issues have progressed hugely over the last 26 years, but they’re always vulnerable to being rolled back or sidelined.
My big reflection this year is that representation matters. Had 13-year-old Nick been able to watch things like Heartstopper, read books with gay characters, and had friends or family members who were openly gay, I think he might have accepted who he was, and lived life a little more honestly, from an earlier age. Representation doesn’t solve everything. For many living life as a healthy LGBTQ+ person begins self-acceptance. Coming out remains something people are expected to do. Again, and again. Fighting for the same rights as others remains a global, ongoing effort. And it doesn’t end. Just when a battle seems to have been won, it often resurfaces years later.
I also reflect on where I have found myself as I approach the big 4-0 (no, really). I don’t think my 18-year-old self would have imagined he would have the role I do now. Heck, 38 year old me would not have imagined it. Progressing in my career would have been far harder in an environment where I didn’t feel able to be fully myself.
That was part of the reason as to why I gave up my former career as a lawyer. Every day I put on my suit and went into the office, and even though I was not consciously hiding my sexuality I can see now that I was. I became a different version of myself every day. That still creeps in now. I think it comes from a childhood spent working hard not to slip up, not to let anyone see something different. You build a character as protection and then spend the rest of your life outside the closet trying to work out where the character ends and you begin. That internal struggle isn’t helped when you’re also fighting for your rights and existence in society at large.
No amount of hockey-themed gay TV shows will change that entirely. But seeing people openly discussing a show with lead gay characters that doesn’t shy away from their sexuality (if you haven’t seen Heated Rivalry, trust me, it shies away from nothing) and doing so without mass pearl clutching, is definite progress from the Queer as Folk days. And 13-year-old Nick didn’t believe he would ever see that day.
Nick Edwards
Director of People, Academic Services and Online Education (interim)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here at the University, we have lots of opportunities for you to make friends, and get support, with gender, gender identity and sexuality – whether you are a student or staff member. You can find out more about these on our website. You can also find out more about how to be a good ally here too.
