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Elphinstone Kist   Doric Verse

The Collieston Hogmanay.     by: Mackie, Dr Lewis

Fan this eer sidles tae its end,
An kinfowk hameward fitsteps bend
In Collieston the spirits stir,
For Hogmanay is nearly there.
We check oor store o’ cans an bottles
Tae see if we’ll survive the battle,
For Hogmanay’s a fearsome time,
As seen as midnicht souns its chime,
The booze flows free, the wits are oot,
An naebody his ony doot
That hiterin feet will pound each path,
Wi nae thocht o’ the aftermath...

The chimes ring oot, the glasses raised.
The New Year toasted, the Auld Year praised.
An kith an kin toast een anither,
Faither, mither, sister,brither.
Gweed wishes frae the faimly cam,
Some o’ them nae worth a damn.
Bit wi the help o barleycorn,
Illusion laists intil the morn...
An so the drinkin starts anew,
Gettin happy an unco fu’
Maist are merry – few illnaturd,
Companionship could nae be bettered.
Black bun an coal come oot o pockets,
Bottles an cans frae inside jackets,
An fowk wha’ve niver met for years
Greet een anither wi maudlin tears...
Div ye mind this, div ye mind that?
Fast an furious flows the chat.
Argiments will follow later,
Fan they’ve hid too much o the cratur.

Bit noo the whisky’s rosy hue
Gies nae warnin o’ fit we’ll rue.
The hangowers, the upset tum,
The bruises on oor legs an bum,
As stagger we alang tae hames
Tae meet an face neglected dames
Scowlin faces we canna charm,
Looks the Diel himsel wid alarm.
The scowl micht send me tae the pier
Tae mak an end o a’ that’s dear.

Bit we hiv auld John Barleycorn
Tae brichen up this New Year’s morn.
Bit first we’ll keep the paunch contented,
Though whisky’s bocht, the beer’s jist rented
So up the road tae find a pairty
Far we can drink an sing maist hearty.

Noo we move frae hoose tae hoose
An inhibitions are let loose
Takkin oor neebors a’ through han,
Tacklin the government o’ the lan
Intil the argiments we blunder
Till fellowship is torn asunder
Then only drink can satisfy
The restless soul, the inner eye.
Oor host then says tae his great shame
“We’ll awa tae wer beds an let you hame.”

Noo lichts are oot an darkness hides
The toon in deathly stillness bides
An seen befuddled wi gin an beer,
The brain sees things that are’na there.
Ghosties an ghoulies haunt the place
An ivery hoolit’s screech gies chase
Tae bogles, gremlins an the likes
Up on the roofs, ahin the dykes.
Bit its time that I wis getting hame ,
Tae ging an face auld Shanter’s dame
An I must pass the cemetry
Far Kennedy’s ghost is said tae be,
Maybe meet auld Nick himsel,
Lookin for drunks tae tak tae Hell.

Sae now wi’ hair stannin on its end,
I stagger past the kirkyard bend
An come again tae my auld hoose
As quiet as a wee kirk moose.
Noo, cannily I lift the latch
An hope the wife’s nae there tae catch
Me comin in sae quiet like,
Ae soun’ll stir a bumbee’s byke.

Saftly, saftly, intae bed,
Listenin for the words I dread.
Bit no! She’s snorin loud an clear,
An I ken there’s nocht tae fear.
Bit Oh! Gweed sake fan iver I wakin
Athin’s sae loud, ma brains are shakkin.
The afterglow o whisky stops
An ma heid’s birlin like a spinnin top.
Niver again will I ging first fittin.
Next Hogmanay I’ll jist be sittin
At hame sae quiet wi’ lemonade.
Nae hangowers frae that whisky jade.
Gweed Lord I’ll niver drink again,
Jist free me frae this affa pain
I’ll gie a promise that I will be
Tee-total till eternity!!

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