Mackie, Dr Lewis

My God, fit a dreich day an' a Monday at that ! Breakfast in a hurry, said cheerio tae the bairns an' neen o them had ony complaint aboot nae feelin weel. Sae I put the broken thermometer awa'. Nae psychological stunts tae bide aff squeel! I had a student wi' me an getting' him settled I opened the waitin' room door an ma hert sank. There wis Mrs Sair Hair sittin there knittin' feverishly. I winnered fit complaint she'd cooked up this Monday. We'd ca'd her Mrs Sair Hair ever since she hid cam in a whiley since sayin' she wis aa sair, even her hair wis sair. It wis jist another stressed weekend pittin up wi' her drunken man. So we had a wee chat an she felt better. She wis aa richt the rest o' the week fan he wis at his wark at the distillery. It wis jist the weekends. Mind you he wis a bit o' a character. He used tae show visitors roon the distillery an' use tae get a tip or a dram fae them at times. He had a sharp wit an eence I heard him answer a visitor's question as to foo mony fowk worked at the distillery by sayin' "Aboot half o' them". She had'na her sorrows tae seek. The surgery wis seen ower an my wife has aa the house calls numbered. I aye did the farthest awa' calls first tae let me listen tae the B.B.C. reading from some book or ither. The first call wis tae Mains O' Roosty Backchines fa' thocht that two o' his men were takkin the len'o' him. "They work for two oors then they ging sick an are aff for the next twa days," says he. "They're skivin!" he thundered. I examined them wi' the student, Sandy, and I couldna fin' onything physically wrang, although they baith looked real peely wally. Then I hid a brainwave an' asked them fit they were daein fan they felt sick. They said they were weldin pigs' trochs inside a shed. Then the penny dropped, "Were you wearin' masks?" says I. "Fit for?" says they. 'Wis it galvanised sheets you were weldin?" says I "Of coorse," says they. "That's it of coorse" says I, "It's the fumes fae the metal" I tellt Mains this an said he wid either hae tae provide masks or let them weld ootside. He chose the latter. It wis cheaper! Oor next stop wis at the Old Folks' Home , where an auld body wis complainin' o' a sair breest. Since Sandy the student had jist been an observer up till now I tellt him tae examine the auld women's breest an' did a roon o' the lave for gweed measure since we were there. Fan I wis feenished I asked Sandy tae describe the breests. "Were they like oranges or grapefruit, or even melons?" Sandy stuttered a bit an' said, "They looked like spaniels' luggies!" I nearly choked on my coffee! Bit he wis richt, that's jist fit they looked like an' she had a lump there as weel! We dealt wi' that an set oot tae a routine visit tae auld Bob Skene at the back o' Gight. He wis an auld lad an it wis a gweed chance for Sandy tae dae a complete examination while I had a chance tae get a blether wi Bob's dother. Now Sandy had ae fault an that wis he aye jumpit in wi'oot takkin a history, an he did jist that noo. I watched him finish and said "Weel?" Sandy delightedly said "You're in great fettle Mr. Skene, you'll live tae be a hundred!" I waited for Bob tae speak, an oot it cam. "Yer nae gaein me lang laddie, A'll be a hundred on Feersday!" lt wis a gweed lesson for Sandy! We finished oor calls, maistly bairns an' auld fowk, an headed for the evenin' surgery. Athing wint weel till we cam tae the hill shepherd. He rambled on frae one thing till anither until I had tad bring him up wi, "Bit fit's wrang wi' ye?" An oot it cam, "A've got something hingin fae ma ball-bag." I explained tae Sandy that he meant his scrotum, an asked the shepherd tae tak doon his troosers. I lookit at the sma wart hingin there an said tae Sandy "This is fit we ca' a sessile papilloma." Noo I kint I wis needin' my specs changed, bit naething daunted I said tae Sandy, "It's sessile because it has a slight neck on it and the best way tae deal wi' it is tae put a slight tension on the papilloma and tie a piece of nylon threed roon the neck." So Sandy set to. As he put tension on the papillorna it fell off the skin and he picked it up with a forceps and put it on some blottin' paper. "Fit did ye ca it doctor?" says Sandy, "A sessile papilloma" says I. "Weel," says Sandy, "This een's mobile." An' sure's death it wis crawlin ower the blottin paper. I certainly needed my specs changed. It wis a sheep tick! Fortunately Sandy had never seen one so it wis a learnin process for him, an new specs for me. Ever since, fan I meet Sandy he says wi a cheeky grin. "Hiv ye seen ony mair sessile papillomas recently?" The young divilick!! Bit as he says, he'll niver forget that day!