Pitter patter, Scotch n' watter,
Mell as weel as cod wi batter,
In this warld o win an weet,
Hailstorms, rainstorms, snaw an sleet!
Scotia's weather's dreich an drookin,
Paradise, fur sailin, dookin,
Hame tae salmon, trooties, eels
Puddocks, kelpies, dyeukies, seals ...
At brakk o day the kettles bile,
Frae Thurso tae the Royal Mile,
While coffee mingles wi the Tay,
The Tweed, the Ythan, Dee an Spey.
Wee goldfish in their tanks at Troon,
Frisk in their bowls, tapped up wi Doon.
In Inverness, each font an ewer,
Hauds Moray Firth fae sink tae sewer.
The yowes that sup the burn o Ey,
Are blythe's the cheepin merles in Mey,
While tatties bile, in speecial bree,
At Kinlochewe fae Loch Maree!
In basin reamin wi the Clyde,
A Glesga roader steeps his hide.
Fite poodles, shampooed bi Loch Fyne,
Pristine, cud at Balmoral dine.
Wi Firth o Forth, Dunfermline grannies,
Lather their pinkies an their crannies,
While Embro bairns, wi jugs o Leith
Maun wash their lugs, their necks, their teeth ...
The Gadie bathes, the Gairn baptizes,
Fur salmon catch, the Dee wins prizes,
While towrists read in foreign press,
A monster lurks in derk Loch Ness.
Alang the Deveron, whisky stills
Pit mettle in the salmons' gills,
While Irn Bru, frae roosty nails
Is brewed wi bree that rinses whales!
Ay, H20 rins throwe wir veins,
An oot wir taps, an doon wir drains,
Till Winter cams wi frozen pipe,
That plumbers hae tae weld an wipe,
Fin puddles dreep frae lum an ceilin,
An plaister plaps, wi paper peelin.
The thunner cracks! The lift growes derk,
The doon-pish syne cud launch an Ark.
Toon gutters poor like Blue Whale's spoot.
It's weet eneuch tae droon a troot,
Rain draps on wellies, sypes on sark,
Sends chip-pyokes sweemin in the park.
The self-same rain that brews yer dram,
That swalls the reamin Hydro dam,
Daunces a reel at Burn o Vat,
At Loch Kinnord lies douce an flat.
On Ben a' Bhuird a wreath o snaw's
A fite carnation in the thaw
Watters o Scotia here's yer health,
The wellspring o wir Kintra's wealth!