by A Moose on October 12th, 2009, 2:49 am
When I was poisoned by those entitled prats, when I died for the first time and was reborn as weak and feeble as a newborn, Griffith and I had a long conversation; he told me that with time and patience, along with his knowledge of the healing arts, I would walk again; I expressed, still little more than a child, exactly what I would do to my would-be murderers when I was in possession of that skill.
He told me right then and there that, if all I was going to do was focus on revenge, he would extend no helping hand; that he'd rather leave me to the life of a disabled beggar, than unleash another entitled and all too emotional murderer on the world. He had no doubt, he continued, that I should help in whatever way I could to reveal what they had done, should take pleasure in seeing them punished for the wrongs they had committed - for it was just as inhuman, and unhealthy, to suppress the negative aspects of our mind, such as rage, as to hold back those that are positive, such as mercy. All things in their own time, and inasmuch as is possible in balance, he told me.
No-one had spoken to me like this in years, not since my prophetess had held me in her arms, and certainly not before that; my father was a distant man, angered at the cuckold's horns his wife, my mother, had placed upon his head - and my mother was long gone, off with her presumably well-endowed servant to parts unknown. It's why I had grown up on the streets, a well-to-do merchant's son running with the urchins and street roughs... good days and good friends... some of whom are still alive... My father only took me in hand when adulthood was clearly beginning to claim me, and then only because people were beginning to question the absence of a young man where they had ignored a missing boy, not out of any care for my wellbeing.
He chose the schools I attended because they were strict and well-known for dealing with troublesome cases, not to mention being far away from my friends. I pointed myself towards the military, because I was good at fighting and saw within its ranks the kind of comraderie that I had known growing up. I wanted to go into the ranks; it was my father who paid the money to make me an officer, but only because he wouldn't have a common soldier for a son...
... I have to admit, right up until the poisoning, it was much better being an officer - common soldiers get treated like shit, and it's this shared oppression that breeds an almost desperate comraderie. My father was still an ass, but give him credit where credit's due... of course, if he hadn't insisted, I probably never would have been poisoned. Then again, after everything that's happened to me, I know there's no use crying over it. It was always going to happen.
I was a damned good officer, too; handsome, popular with the rankers and my fellow officers, and - thanks to the streets - the fastest blade in the entire regiment. I was told I had a bright future and at that stage I believed it; I remembered the encounters with my dark skinned seer in a haze of happy and erotic memories, her final prophecy... not forgotten, but just never thought of - despite her strange disappearance. I know... the human mind is a remarkable and screwed up thing...
Other people, a small but influential group, didn't like the idea of me or any other commoner having such a bright future. So they poisoned me - and I died. So there I was having been brought back to life by Griffith, who was then talking to me, as I lay unable to move in a guarded wing of the barracks, more like a father than my own had ever been. As he continued to talk, I argued, but Griffith was old and wise even by this stage of my life, in his eighties, and by all the Gods did he know how to argue back.
And one of the good things about me back then was that I was usually willing to lose an argument if I was clearly wrong. That went out the window if I was being emotional, or was riled about something, which happened a lot back then, but Griffith managed to reach past all my bitterness and bile to this reasonable core... and so, after a good few hours, I agreed to do things his way.
The bastards who poisoned me got the death penalty, which I watched being administered, and let me tell you... it felt good. They deserved to die, and I enjoyed watching it and helping it come to pass, but even moreso having it end. The problem with revenge, in allowing your emotions to control you rather than the other way round, is that it never ends. There's a reason we have two different words for justice and revenge, and it is most definitely not bureaucratic - one stems from order, tranquility and calm, the other from a much more troubled and chaotic source. I think that more than anything has helped keep me sane, even on those occasions when others have treated me like an outcast.
Which is why my most recent travelling companions trouble me. Varog's entire personality seems to stem from that troubled source, Dios as well, Visteen I do not know well enough yet, and Gordon... Gordon seems to like to pretend that he has no negative emotions, or that he can somehow live without them, which is just as dangerous in the long run as freely embracing them. They all have something about them however, even Dios, that makes me like them as well, at least individually; could be the fact they don't instinctually shy away when I get close. Probably something more...
... and Gods, who am I to judge? I'm the one who landed us in this whole mess, I'm damned sure I have numerous unresolved issues that make all the lessons I have supposedly learned completely spurious, but... eh... I'll just do my best and, if it comes to it, try and stop them from killing eachother. It's times like this I especially wish Griffith was still here; he was a master at settling disputes and managing difficult personalities, my own included, and he actually understood the aspects of thought and philosophy that I am still, ten years after he began teaching them to me, trying to get to grips with.
Why I can't get up:
Samuel Feather: "No man is a failure who is enjoying life."