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Elphinstone Kist   Doric Prose

Last of the Mo Haguses     by: Robertson, Stanley

Whin Noah collected aa the wee craturs and big beasties ontae his boatie he completely wint intae a guam cos he forgot the haggis . .Only aifter a couple o days at seas that his wife noticed that there wisnae ony on board. Panicking and getting hersel intae a richt blicker she informed Noah that there wisnae ony haggis tac be found in board.AA the folks searched in vain for them but there wis nane ta be found.”Ochone Achone” lamented Noah’s wife as she sat a greeting for the loss o the Haggis.

Clinging on tae the back o the ark there were twa wee haggis and they were clinging on for their bare death and life.Baith o the wee beasties ate wid lice and fishes that they could catch and they were real survivors. Naebody kent that they were there until they landed on Mount Arrirat whin Mrs Noah jist happened to get a squintie o them afore they made aff niver tac be seen again.Yet they beasties flourished aa ower the world and see they found a great habtat in Scotland whar they were hunted tac exstiction Ye can read it aa in the auld testiment in the Book o Hagai.

Noo mase! being a Proffesor o Hagitology I ken aa aboot them and therefor am a bit o an authority aboot the maitter.I tak classes and dae seminars aboot the famous Scottish Haggi.

The Scottish Haggis were very pevailent intae the last century and they were kind o seen as a delicacy tae the natives but the demand frae the Americans were that great that ye couldnae keep up wi the demand.Some folks opened up Haggis fairms but the tame beasties didnae hae the same flavour as the wild Haggis.The last remaining fairm left wis on the isle o Skye whar a haggis breeder ,spenmore Whooper,breeded them. He hid a voracious appetite That man ate twa every day for his denner and aye day his wife wint oot tae get some but he hid devoured the lot. It caused an awfy steer amongst the conservationists. They lobbied at Westminister and a man frae the Highlands and \Islands development Board came up tae a public meeting in Portee tae kind o appease the folks aboot their plight.Noo this mannie wis a pure sook and he promised aa the world tae help compensate them for the loss o their haggis.Noo the word for yes in Gaelic is tha pronounced ha and this mannie said tha tae every thing that the folks asked for. Eventually he wis saying ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,aha,and ha.

The only body that made ony money from the sad affair wis Spenmore Whooper wha wrote a book cawed “ the last o the mo hagguses” His book wis a runaway success ans he made a cool million..
Noo there is still twa clubs ye can join. The first one is awfy posh and some o the Royals are patrons o that een but it cost an airm and a leg tae jine.It is cawed, The Royal Hunt O the Haggis “and the ither club for the poorer folks is cawed “The Commonus Vulgaris Club tae which I am a member o. but I am also a trained Professor in Hagitology.The subject is very interesting and it ties in wi Ethnology and anthropology.I can sing aa the Haggis ballads and tell the traditional tales o the haggis.

My first field trip as a student I wint up tac the Coves o Caithness alang wi a frecn Wullie Swizzletop and we were being instructed on the habitats and wyes o th Haggis. It wis the breeding and coortship time for the haggis and if ye wanted tac catch een for yer ain private studies then ye hid tae gang tae black cave and imitate a male haggis and shout ontae the tunnel “000 000” .We’ll aa the rest o the students were catching haggis galore except me an Wullie Swizzletop.Then Wullie wint ower tae and black tunnel and shoots oot “ooo ooo. And he got a response back shouting “ooo ooo”This continued for aboot a minute until Wullie shouted tae me that he hid succeeded catching a female haggis. We courage undaunted he run intae the tunnel and wis immediately knocked doon wi a train. I never caught anything but I managed tac pass aa mi exams tac reach the point whar I wis an expert.

The public interest is awfy wide but it’s a pity we didnae conserve the haggis whin we hid them but like the buffalo of America they vanished frae the face o the earth. Yet I fairly belive that somewhere in the Highlands o Scotland there still exists a few haggis gang aboot in secret but they are awfy shy o humans.We will jist hae tac be observant and try tac find them again and hae a special programme tac breed them again and bring back tac Scotland a great pairt o their living culture.

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