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Elphinstone Kist   Doric Verse, Family and Home, Education

The Bus     by: Blackhall, Sheena

Here's the bus! Shove past the queue,
Staun on the cripple blin man's fit,
Push a pensioner intae the road,
There's ae seat left an I'm gettin it!

Foo are ye glowerin mannie?
This bus is fu o complainers!
Aa cause I dichtit ma fit on yer breeks
Wi dog's dirt stuck tae ma trainers.

Melanie Ann, yer affa quate.
I hope ye've feenished ma Maths
Ye ken fit clypes an wimps get....
Hauf drooned in the public baths.

Mary! D'ye wint ma chuddy?
I hinna chawed it lang
Hauf ooto ma tree I wis last nicht,
On cider, chaip an strang.

Hiv you got a problem, wifie?
Wi yer face like a torn cloot?
Is that a wig yer weirin?
Dis Cornhill ken yer oot?

Fit's that? I've got nae mainners?
I'm a rude, lood, glekit stinker?
Watch yer moo ye fat auld coo
Or I'll clap yer lug, ye minker!

The passengers are feart o me
I skirl an fart an caper,
If I roar oot chikk, they look doon quick,
An hide ahin their paper.

My pyoke o crisps is feenished.
I'll blaa, an burst it. BANG!
See yon auld foosht turn purple!
Her pacemakker's gaen wrang!

The driver canna stop us,
Ma pals takk ower the bus.
And if ye ken fit's guid fur ye
Ye winna makk nae fuss.

See yon wee first year shakkin?
As much backbeen as butter!
Let's chase him up the lanie!
Let's fling him doon the gutter!

Let's ring the bell a hunner times!
On the seats, let's scrat wir name!
My ma thinks I'm an Angel
An sae I am, at hame.


The School: a postcript

Well sir, it's worrying to hear that
One of our pupils knocked you flat.
You'd like to see the minx suspended?
High jinks, I'm sure .... no malice intended...
But it COULDN'T be Sandra Davies- Proctor
Her pa's in the city. Her ma's a doctor
And both of them sit on the PTA,
It must be the new girl, Kylie Rae
She stays in the high rise flats with her mum
And they hide away when the Social come.

But anyway sir, we cannot rule
Over what they do when they leave the school,
What's the solution? If it's not far,
Take to walking. Or use your car!



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