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Elphinstone Kist   Doric Prose

Monkey Business in Dundee     by: Leighton, Marischal W.M.

As ye micht be aware o' I spent a fair bit o' my callow youth in the city o' Dundee, an that being the case it wis obvious till a lad like misel' fa is, ye micht say, kinda observant, that I micht hae a tale or twa tae relate. Weel I hiv, an' fits mair, here's een o' them....Afore I start I hiv tae tell ye that it is as true as a cat's a hairy beast, an' that's a fact.

Weel, onywaye, this wis jist afore the war broke oot, an' this young quine ws engaged till a sailor. Nae a lad in the navy, na na, he wis a merchant seaman, an gaed a' ower the warld till a the foreign places that the likes o' you an ma jist hear aboot. In that far awa' time things were a kinda relaxed ye micht say, as far as takin' hame queer beasties wis concerned, an he teen hame a tiny wee monkey till his lady love.

Now it turned oot the beastie teen a likin till the quine an she fair thocht the warld o' it. It hid the run o the hoose an never socht tae gang ootside an wis delighted wi itsel in findin sic a fine hame. Things gaed on, an athing in the gairden wis rosy fin the quine got afa nae weel, sae much so that she hid tee gang intil the hospital, that's tae say the Dundee Royal Infirmary or DRI tee you an me.

Now the monkey wis weel aquint wi the neighbours so the quine next door said she wid look efter the monkey ir she cam hame. Hooiver the time in the hospital gaed on an on an the neighbour thocht it wid be a great thing till tak in the monkey tae see its 'mam' so tae speak. So she pit the crater intil a holdall an set aff for the place o' healin'.

She got the bus doon til the terminus in Dock Street far she hid till tak anither een till the hospital. Noo a' this teen a whiley, in fact the best bit o' an 'oor an as ye micht be able till understand the monkey wisna afa teen up wi a this cairtin aboot. An started tae mak a bit o a noise aboot things bein' the waye they waar.

Onywaye she managed tee get in till the ward far the quine wis recuperating an informed her that she hid a surprise for er. So saying she opened the bag. Now the monkey immediatly thocht that aa its birthdays hid come at eence an teen the greatest jump for joy that iver ye did see. In fact it louped oot o' that bag like a bullet oot o' a gun.

Speak aboot a surprise, I'll say it wis a surprise an nae jist till the quine in 'er bed, it wis a surprise till a' the wifies in the ward. Now as ye micht imagine naebody in the ward kent a monkey hid been brocht in, that is nae until this wee hairy beastie shimed up the curtain yellin' oot o't for sheer joy at bein' oot o' that bag. Tae say it helped the healin' process is nae imagination, it fairly helped ae wifie because she louped oot o' 'er bed far she hid been for a month an' mair sayin' she didna think wid iver see the ootside warld again. An here she wis leggin' doon the ward fully cured.

The same applied till an ir twa, an this wis fan the ward sister became aware that something wis goin' on that she didna ken aboot. The waye she did ken aboot it wis she hid a blurred vision o' her maist unweel patients suddenly roarin' oot o' them that they winted tae ging hame an were as keen that they didna need a bus an they hid nae intention o' waitin' for their claes.

A this hid the effect o' several things happenin in rapid succesion. The ward sister phoned for the doctor tee come quick, somabody in the doctor's office phoned for the bobbies, they got a garbelled tale that somebody wis hingin fae a curtain in a ward in the DRI an' the bobbies thocht the fire brigade should attend tae get fa iver it wis doon fae a curtain which wis hingin doon oot o' an open windae. So as ye can imagine a slight steer aboot the place wid be a fair description.

Fit o' the monkey? Weel it wis fairly pleased fin it discovered its mistress wis gettin' on fine, an the crater wis even enticed back intil the bag for the journey hame, which wis accomplished amon a' the stramash withoot much adooo.

An fit wis the aftermath? Weel, an inquiry wis held intil far a the patients that hid absconded wi nae claes on had got the hullucinatory drugs fae, an nae only that but far were the patients noo? The waste of police time. nae tae mention the fire brigade turnin' up wi twa fire engines tae look for an open windae wisna looked upon wi smiles.

All in all a tale worth the tellin'. The last I heard wis the quine got hame haein been restored tae good health an the monkey wis fine pleased wi things. I niver did find oot far the wifies wi nae claes got till, I jist hope the weather wisna ower cauld for them.



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