Jack and the Beanstalk
by: Robertson, Ella
Jack looked doon at his hand and he coonted the beans. Six! Six black beans. Naething very special tae see.The mannie had promised they were special, magic even. Jack had pairted wi his coo for six wee beans. Gee! He kent he wis wrang, he should hae asked for hard cash. But this chield had said the beans wid dae aa sorts o' things and mak Jack rich. He couldna tak the risk o somebody else gettin the beans and cashing in on aa his wealth noo, could he? Mam wid understand fan he explained tae her.
"Ye fit? Ye selt the coo for magic beans? Oh, good God, laddie, dae ye nae ken a con merchant fin ye meet ane? Ye great big muckle gleckit ape. Fit are we gaen tae eat the nicht? Three beans the piece?"
Jack jumped forrit in protest as his mither haived the beans oot the windae slammin it shut and swiping her hands the gither.
"But mam.... The mannie said they were magic."
"Awa tae yer bed ye great gype. Magic my fit.
And its yer ain fault if yer hungry."
It wis cauld in the mornin and affa dark. Jack wis sure it wis rising time for he never failed tae waken bang on seven. He wis gye sweer tae crawl oot aneth the covers but he eventually dragged himsel oot o his bed and yawned his wey ower tae the windae. His een nearly popped oot o his heid. Jumpin jeely beans. There wis a great muckle tree thing ootside his windae. He cranned his neck tae see hoo far up it went. It gaed on for miles. Oh, crivvens!
He clattered oot the door and ben the hoose, his sark tail flappin roond his thick, hairy legs and he near tripped ower the cat in his rush.
"Ye stupid damt beast. Can ye nae bide oot o' the road. Mam! Mam! Are ye up? Come and see."
"Ye'd waken the deid wi that racket. Fit on earth is wrang wi ye?"
Jack grabbed his mither's airm nearly hauling aff her goonie as he pulled her alang tae his room the slavers trickling oot o his moo in his excitement.
"Look! Look! A great muckle tree. Telt ye the beans wis magic. Telt ye. Fa wis leein then? Eh?' He poked a finger in his mither's ribs and got a skiff alang the side o his heid for his pains. She cranned her neck at the windae the same as Jack had daen then squared up and glowered at her big loon.
"O.K. clivver cloggs. And jist fit are we gaen tae dae wi' a great muckle tree? Hack it doon and mak fire wood o' it? Or hae ye ony ither suggestions? Nae made o gold is it?"
Jack did his best tae ignore his mither's sarcasm and he pooed on his lug. It didna dae much for his lug and even less for his brain power but it annoyed his mither. .
''I'll pull on my claes and hae a look," he telt her noddin his heid importantly.
There wis a lot o branches on the big tree thing and Jack hoisted himsel wi' ease up on tae the bottom anes. It wis a fine easy climb and a body got a richt scan ower the countryside. Afore he kent far he wis Jack wis weel up the beanstalk and the grun wis far awa. Ah, well, he wis this far up he may as well haud gyan. He heaved himsel up a gie big branch and cam' face tae face wi' a great muckle door.
"Fit on earth's this? A tree hoose. Na! Naebody wid bigg a tree hoose this far fae the grun. Wid they?" He gaed the door a thump or twa and decided it wis genuine enough. In fact it wis some sunk o a door. Just then the muckle thing creaked and groaned as it swung open. A fair size o a wifie stood glowering at Jack.
"Fit dae ye want. Loons are nae welcome here. My man eats them for breakfast."
"Awa ye go," Jack scoffed. "Naebody eats loons nooadays. Ye couldna gie me a drink. It's droothy work climbing great big trees."
"Well, jist a drink then ye'll hae tae go."
The big wifie took Jack intae fit he assumed wis the kitchen but the furniture wis enormous and he wis ticht tae see fit wis fit. The wifie grabbed the neck o his jaiket and plonked him on the table. She set a cup o watter doon and he took a quick sook at it but he wis that mesmerised by his surroundings that he wis needing a his time tae swallie. Jist then he heard a voice at the ither side o the door.
''Fee fie fo fum.I smell the blood o an English man''
"Fee fie fa ---- ah cum oan. Fa dae ye think yer kidding? Ye think this is a fairy storie or something?"
Suddenly Jack wis grabbed by the jaiket and dumped uncermoniously ahent a big breid bin. A great muckle monster o a mannie clumped his wey through the door. He'd nivver seen sic a big chield. Bumbazed, he watched the wifie feedin the great big mannie and thocht he'd better haud his weesht. He'd nae inclination tae end up on the mannie's plate. Then the big chield ask for his money and the wifie gied him a bag which he tipped oot on the table. It wis foo o pound coins.
Jack watched fae his hidie hole as the giant coonted his siller. The wifie brocht ben a hen and set it in a basket beside the mannie and a bonnie golden harp like thing that started tae play a tunie making the big mannie fa asleep.
The wifie wis gone and Jack saw his oppertunity. Mam wis needin siller. Mam wid get siller. He took a flying lowp and landed on the table aside the giant. Jist for a meenit he thocht he wis gaen tae waken, but he jist gaed a snuffle and started tae snore.
Jack gaithered up the coins, pit them back in their poke and stappit them in his pooch. He had a quick look at the hen and stuck his hand aneth it tae see if it had laid. He wis getting gie peckish and Mam wid soon bile an egg. It had laid aright. But the egg wis a funny colour. Mair like gold. Ah, well, he pooched it onywey and decided tae tak the hen wi him. It wid aye mak a pot o broth. He wis aboot tae shin doon the leg o the table and skiddadle oot the door when his een lichted on the musical harp thingie.
''Noo, Mam wid like you. She's real fond o' a bittie music and a windie up thingie wid jist tickle her fancie."
''Beware! I am a magic harp. I will call my Master."
"Awa ye go. I didna cum up the Clyde in a banana boat. Magic my backside."
Jack laughed as he picked up the golden trinket and slid his wey doon the table leg. He wis well oan his wey tae the door when the harp started tae yell.
"Maister! Maister! Help me!"
Wid ye credit it, the giant mannie opened his een and let oot a roar that near made Jack dee in his boots.
"Ye damt pest o a thing. Mam definitely widna like you," and he bunged the harp in the direction o' the giant and leggit it oot the door as fast as he could clutching the squakking hen. He stuffed the hen doon his jaicket and shinned doon the tree for a he wis worth wi this great muckle mannie in het pursuit.
Fair oot o puff, he reached the bottom and yelled tae his mither tae bring the axe.
"Hurry up, wumman, this is life or death."
"Decided tae mak firewood efter aa?" his mither spiered, her voice thick wi sarcasm. Jack peyed nae heed, flung the hen at his startled Mam and started tae hack furiously at the beanstalk. He could hear the big mannie crashing doon the tree getting nearer and nearer. Then he wis near through and shoved at the trunk wi a his micht. Mam had jaloused gin this time and added her nae inconsiderable wecht alongside Jack's. There wis an almighty crash and the giant flew through the air and crashed tae the grund a few miles awa making the big dent they ca' Giant's Headway that ye can see if yer passing alang the main road.
"Noo, whit's aa that been aboot laddie? Ye'd better jist come awa in and tell yer Mam aa aboot it."