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Relationships

Relationships, whether within your family, with friends or with a partner, can be sources of great love, much joy and support. They can also be a source of pain and grief, especially if they involve insurmountable differences, physical, emotional or sexual abuse or break-up or loss.

Paradoxically, relationships are usually most successful when each party is self-sufficient and has a sense of self-worth as well as having the ability to form close, intimate attachments with others that are not just based on fear of loss or fear of being alone. Low self-esteem may result in us putting too much pressure on relationships as a means of feeling better about ourselves. Past experiences of untrustworthy relationships may also affect our ability to trust and form stable partnerships.

Certain characteristics tend to be present in healthy relationships:

• Accepting and allowing your partner to be different and to have different beliefs, feelings, goals, values and appproaches to life.
• Being aware that our partner is a separate person who will not be able to fulfil all your needs or solve all your problems. A variety of different friendships may offer you more than having just one close relationship.
• Communication about both positive and negative issues, which is open and honest, is vital in a successful relationship. Ability to talk about things, particularly difficulties and to focus on issues arising in the present rather than constantly revisiting past wrongs or hoping for future changes enables a relationship to grow and develop.

Having Sex

Having sexual feelings is natural and is a normal part of having strong and enjoyable intimate relationships. It can also be hard to know when to embark on a sexual experience and it is normal to feel confused at times. The most important thing is to be clear about what you feel and what you want and not to act under pressure from another person or when you are so overcome by the effects of alcohol or drugs that you are unclear what you are agreeing to. Often talking about what you want with a partner first can help.

There are many pleasurable sexual activities that can be experienced alone or in same or opposite sex partnerships that do not involve taking protective measures against pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STI's).

Most people, both men and women, find out what kind of sexual touch excites them through masturbation or stimulating themselves, usually around the genital areas, from puberty onwards. There are many myths about masturbation and negative effects. In reality, it is a normal part of sexual development and is not harmful unless you feel pain or soreness as a result of overstimulation in which case it is better to stop and allow your body to recover.

With a partner, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, touching and stimulating all areas of each other's body can also be pleasurable and safe sexual activity.

Sexual intercourse where, in the case of heterosexual couples, the male's penis enters the female's vagina or in the case of gay couples, where one partner puts his penis in the other partner's anus can be a very loving and enjoyable intimate sexual act when both partners enter into it willingly. It may be painful at first but this usually goes away after the first few occasions. This, as well as oral sex, which entails stimulating your partner's genital areas with your mouth, may involve an exchange of bodily fluids and therefore protection against STIs such as HIV, which causes AIDS, needs to be discussed. Condoms, which are placed over the male's penis and can be bought at a chemist's or can be obtained free in family planning or other health clinics protect you from passing STI's to your partner.

The most reliable contraceptive, which prevents pregnancy, is the pill, which is taken by the female partner. This is available on prescription from your doctor. Other forms of contraception are also available through the family planning clinic.

Sources of Help

• Aids Helpline (24 hours) 0800 567123
• BPAS (Pregnancy) 0845 730 4030 (8 am - 9 pm)
• Brook Helpline 020 7617 8000 (Pre-recorded information)
• Family Planning Clinic 01224 642711 (For appointment)
  13, Golden Square 01224 644216 (Enquiries)
• Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual 01224 633500 (Wednesday and Friday pm)
  Switchboard 020 7837 7324 (National - 24 hours)
• National Aids Helpline 0800 567 123 (24 hours)
• Relate 01788 573 241 (Relationship issues)
• Samaritans 01224 574488
  0345 90 90 90 (24 hours)
• Young People's 0800 0185 023 (9 am - 5 pm)
  Information Line
• Sexwise 0800 28 29 30 (Free advice)
  

More information is available on the links page.